My personality is so annoying. When someone does or says something that goes against God’s word (Christian or not), i absolutely cannot put it down until I confront that person, and sometimes, that comes in un-thought-out and blunt ways. So i create confrontation. But then i can’t handle the tension that the confrontation brought and end up apologizing until it’s smoothed over, so i can get my heart rate back to normal and my eyes dry. I absolutely cannot deal with confrontation. My mind gets fuzzy, I cry loudly, I lose my appetite, I get sick, my heart races… until it’s smoothed over. So why then, do i have a strong pull to confront people about things?! Ridiculous.

I am learning to stop, breathe, and come up with more effective and ’softer’ ways of confronting people, but then i still end up almost immediately apologizing for the possible offense of bringing it up. What am I supposed to do?

Paul seemed to struggle with this. How timely that just yesterday I read this scripture in 2 Cor. 7:8
“I am not sorry that I sent that severe letter to you, though I was sorry at first, for I know it was painful to you for a little while. ⁹ Now I am glad I sent it, not because it hurt you, but because the pain caused you to repent and change your ways.”

One thing i have learned is that being blunt doesn’t work. While the message may be true, the method of delivery drives people away, builds walls of defense and resentment, and most certainly does not change behavior or open people’s eyes to what you want them to see.

Why couldn’t i get Exhorter, or Merciful, or Administration, or something where confrontation wasn’t a constant issue.

God, redeem me. Give me patience and understanding on how to deal with the personality you’ve given me. Give me insight to know how best to handle situations, opinions. Help me know when to just ‘let it go’ and then you have to really help me let it go. I want to serve your kingdom, but need guidance. Thank you for who you have made me to be, and now help me be who you want me to be.

I got into photography about a year ago – just started playing around with it. I really just wanted some decent scrapbook pictures, but this hobby is quickly turning into somewhat of a business. I’m not sure I’m really ok with that – i enjoy it so much more when i do just simply because i love it. I am going to have to learn to combine the two, I fear, as people i don’t know are starting to ask for a photo shoot.

It is pretty fun to be able to do a few things that earn money for us. I still teach piano lessons and voice lessons, I have my photo card company which God is really trusting me with, evidently, because it’s doing really well, and now I do photography. It’s a fun life. I could never ask for more.

Now if we can just get this potty training thing down with Summer, everything will be perfect….

What an impossible task, and yet, unless I can do it, He’s not real.

My niece and nephew have, through reasonable experience, understandably come to believe that there is no God, and if there really is a God, that He’s not anyone they would want to be associated with (Old Testament stories bug me too). I had the impossible task of answering questions like, “Why did God COMMAND slavery and murder?” – “Why doesn’t God perform miracles now?” – “Why are there inaccuracies between the 4 Gospels?” – “When did Adam and Eve come to be (assuming that God used Evolution to create us, which as of now, i do believe)?” – “Why did God choose YOU to talk to and give experiences to, but never ME?” – “Why did God create all of this then – the Earth, us, the Universe – if He’s just going to lose most of the people He puts on it? (excellent question, by the way)” – “What does God killing himself have to do with me going to Heaven?” – “Why, if you believe that God hates me enough to send me to Hell, do you want to hang out with me if you believe in God?”…..  the questions came for 2 hours. They were ALL valid, good, reasonable questions.

It was in no way any kind of attack – they were honest and genuine questions. They are passionate about it. They truly care. And I obviously truly failed to give solid answers. They were mostly good enough answers for ME, but to someone who does not believe that the Bible is true, the answers fail miserably.

A conversation like that makes me question my faith. This could be a good thing or a bad thing. I’m glad, actually, that I allow my faith to be questioned. I want truth above ANYthing. For 10 years, my prayer has only been for God to bless me with the truth. I pray again that He shows me truth…. convinces me of it. I sure hope I’m not making my “God” experiences up. I don’t think I am.

I don’t blame them one bit for believing the way they do. Why does God pass them over day after day? Why won’t He speak to them in their language? Does everything always have to be so abstract? They need something tangible! Everyone does at some point. We are just humans with eyes to ’see and believe,’ and flighty hearts whose emotion could be related to God……  or just about anything else.

I love those two – they are so fun to be around – easy to laugh with and totally fun to watch movies with. They are real! Real with others and real with themselves. …what an admirable quality. I concede, it makes me pretty angry (with God) that their experience has led them here. Doesn’t He care to find them too? He knows how.  Countless prayers of petition have been directed toward their safety and open hearts and experience. They don’t lack ambition or interest. I just don’t understand, and I don’t want to say that it’s ok that “I just don’t understand.”  I want God to answer up! “Our God is the God who saves” is the song i last heard in my car…       I’m waiting!! Show up! Save them! You know how!

I guess that’s it.

Besides the pointless plot, slow storyline, terrible dialogue, poor choice of actors (Dwight), etc., etc., Transformers 2 disappointed the most thanks to its amazing immorality. i felt so bad for the mom and 10-year old boy sitting next to me. The producers were obviously throwing in as many swear words and fake swear words as they could, just for the sake of pushing the boundaries, and putting in as many sexual images of countless girls as they could. Why does the media want to corrupt us? I really don’t understand. It reminds me of a high schooler who pushes their friends to drink with him to justify his drinking. HIGH SCHOOL mentality of peer pressure. Like a kid daring another kid to go into the haunted house, knowing a murdered hides out there. I don’t get it. I hope that my kids will grow up strong in their faith.

I grew up around Mormon kids – an enormously good thing. We wanted to obey! Our challenges to each other was to see how well we could keep God’s commands. What a blessing. I have been noticing that Christian teens aren’t much different than all of the other kids as far as moral standard, expectation for themselves, peer pressure…  it worries me a lot and I don’t understand why their standard is so much different that the LDS standard.

God, bless Aria and Summer to become the trendsetters, strong and courageous for You! Bless them with experience and love so they will love You fullheartedly and pass that on to their peers.

I discovered something sad about myself today: I was really super duper nice to people inquiring about Heavenfest. Why is this so sad? ..because i am NOT super duper nice to everyone else – especially photo card chef customers… i’m just normal to them.

I realized that the reason i’m so nice to Heavenfest people is because they know I’m Christian, they are Christian, and i know they just expect it of me.

I should honor God in how I deal with non-Christians even MORE than how I deal with Christians.

Good lesson today, however small.

The lady who was challenging my patience complained today about her final cards. I wrote back as courteously as possible and explained that the cards came out as we discussed they would. She wrote a NOT nice review on my website (moderated, so i never published it). I prayed that God would just end this, and tonight i saw that i had another review to approve. I KNEW it was going to be another one from her. To my UTTER surprise, here is what it said:
This invitation is beautiful. Make sure you use a zoomed out picture for the back side. The front of the invitation is just gorgeous. The setting and color layout i would leave alone and not add any touches of your own. It looks great already
And Ellie, thanks for working me. I had a hard time in the beginning but you helped me right through everything.
And the high UV coating is the best. I would recommend that to everyone! The texture is so great and just simply beautiful.
Thanks for everything, really

wow.

….this AFTER I prayed over the situation again. That word, ‘again’ is starting to mean a lot to me.  Until recently, i felt that praying over something more than once didn’t seem like it would matter. He shows me how untrue that is! God is showing up in such TANGIBLE ways for me lately. I could never deny what miracles i have been blessed to witness over the past year. My heart aches terribly for those who don’t know God.

God, Thank you for taking care of me in these small things. Thank you for teaching me to come to you often, and again, over ANYthing! I am overwhelmed by your grace in my life – I am speechless over your love for me. God, you found me in the most unusual place – find those I love as well.. those in even more unusual places!  I don’t know how to say it eloquently – I am just so grateful. Keep me growing in you.

I have to deal with all kinds of people doing photo cards. Most of them are quite nice! Some are nice, but very high maintenance, and some are just MEAN and high maintenance. I have been blessed to deal with one of those last kind this week (and last, and the week beFORE last, and the end is not soon in sight). Even before she ordered, she was complaining that she wasn’t going to like the proofs (not kidding). She has been incredibly rude, extremely demanding, and despite my sincere best efforts, completely unsatisfied with anything i send her – which by the way, is the fault of her own submitted photos. She asked me to ‘just fix it’ even though the problem was simply that her photo didn’t work with the card she chose. It goes on and on. I prayed last night, during one especially mean e-mail, that God give me patience, understanding, and that he help us resolve the issue(s evidently from her point of view).

Then who should call today, but the mean bride, simply to chew me out. I just sat and listened and handled it AMAZINGLY well for how I normally take these types of situations. Usually, i’ll cry, get a tummy ache, shake out of control, get weak and light-headed, and be utterly speachless when i’m confronted like that. Today, i sat patiently, completely healthy, and listened. Then when she was done ranting, she actually apologized for being such a difficult person and we came to a solution! God took care of me on this one – All i had to do was ask! I have had to deal with others before like this and the outcome was never so resolved.

Today I had strength that truly surprised me and was NOT in my usual character.

The Bible DOES say to pray about everything! Things you usually just try to figure out on your own…

Thank you, God, for hearing my silly little unimportant-in-perspective prayer and coming through for me in a way that surprised me!

All my life i have been skeptical of the power of prayer. I mean, God’s going to do what he’s going to do – or not do… what good is my tiny little ignorant plea going to do – seriously.  But the Bible insists that there is power in prayer, so foruntately i never gave up on it.

A while back, a friend, and absolute woman of God, felt to come find me in the middle of church to pray with me about my faith in prayer. Bit by bit, from that point, my faith in prayer has grown exponentially.

Little things, but still very significant things happened. I will share a few:

Aria had been having the same nightmare about 4 times a week for a few weeks.  I requested prayer for her in my mommy prayer group. She never had one after that.

I had been praying for a friend of ours to find Christ. He was not religious in the least and one did not grow up in a church and really had no feelings toward religion. Only about 6 months after we started praying for him, he and his wife accepted a Bible fromus and came to church with us. The very next week they found a church of their own! They got involved with a small group at their church and just recently, he was baptized. Dude. Not a coincidence.

Just two weekends ago, i was in the mountains at a women’s retreat. We wanted to go to town and the card wouldn’t start. ugh. So we tried to jump it – we did everything right – we even let it charge for about 10 minutes, to no avail. Finally we prayed about it! Silly, right? Well, after the prayer, the card didn’t start and we were bummed big time. We unhooked the cords and just for fun, she tried the card again and it started. AFTER the cords had been unhooked. Just one second before with the card hooked up, it wouldnt start. It was like God was saying, “I need no cords to start this car!” It was a fun experience.

These are just a few examples. I love knowing now that God really truly does hear and care about our prayers! How amazing is that?! I am so glad to be where I am now. I have an amazing family, a growing love for God that I have never known before, amazing friends to keep me grow in my faith, and a bright future ahead.

God is good. I often wonder to tears why He chose ME to bless like this. It doesn’t seem fair. I am amazed and just so grateful.

Sometimes i wish i did not have kids. How many new methods can one come up with for teaching/discipline that are just sure to fail?

I’m tired of dealign with screaming, kicking, hitting, yelling, back talk, and trying to figure out how to deal with it without losing my head.

Thanks for letting me vent. If there are any perfect moms out there who want to watch my kids for a few years, give me a buzz.

I had never considered that there are Christians out there who are not personally affected (hurt) by the sin – any sin – of others.  I just recently discovered this. I am deeply affected by the sin of others – especially loved ones – to the point where I lose my appetite and start trembling.  I have learned that to deal with it, i should just pray for that person (and for myself along the way). I hope it becomes more satisfying to leave it at that soon.