Sometimes i feel like sin. Not like i sin (action), but that i just AM sin – internally. It’s amazing how much actually. I am one of the most selfish, UN-loving, impatient, blunt, inconsiderate, proud people i know with an incredible lack of self control. God says the Holy Spirit is in me, but those Holy Spirit fruits are not at all evident.

I have a good filter when i’m one-on-one, but when put in a room with a group of people, it’s best that i just keep my mouth shut – especially if i’m in a group of people i’m comfortable with or in charge of. My true nature comes through and it isn’t pretty in any form. Why? Why, if God is in me, wouldn’t i emanate love, patience, kindness…  why don’t I love anyone but myself? I don’t possess any of the qualities of true, real love as defined by God. I Am self-seeking. I Do brag – even when i pray pray pray not to. I am rude – so rude to people. I get angry faster than most other parents i know and am quick to lose my temper. I get jealous pretty easily. I am an embarrassment.  The two things i have going for me are that i’m good at forgiveness, and i most certainly don’t delight in evil. ….but that’s it.

I am grateful to be called out. I think God blessed me with a good match who is willing to do so. I have to be confronted to be able to see the consequences of my selfishness.

It’s a fairly hopeless sort of feeling – despite my seeking, reading, praying, i don’t see myself changing. It has to be a change on the inside.  I know for certain that I can’t do it on my own. Why am i no different today than i was 10-15 years ago? Just self-absorbed to the bone. Things should have changed by now in a more genuine way. I’ve learned to filter my words on a more consistent basis, but that’s not change. That’s just dishonesty. What does this mean about my past and more importantly, what does this mean for my future?

bleh.

I don’t even know what to say to God that will make a bit of difference.  I feel doomed to be myself.